Numb rage. That’s where I am at. Squeezing that rage so tightly that you dare not unclench because you’ll completely lose your shit. Knowing that your rage about the condition of your country continues to grow every single year. Wondering if there is an option to build a two car garage in your soul as you are soon going to need the extra space for your RAGE.

There are so many things wrong with this country that it defies belief. Climate emergency. Gun violence. Income inequality. Housing crisis. Health crisis. Infrastructure failing. Education gap. Mass incarceration crisis. Mental health crisis. Opioid epidemic. Personal and federal debt crisis. Racism. Misogyny. Police brutality. Gods above and below, it just goes ON and ON.

Yet we are nation of wealth and technological marvels. Movies. Music. Innovation. Culture. And a melting pot that for all its clashes, still manages to bring together people from every corner of the world. Finally, it gave people hope that things would slowly, painfully, stutteringly get better.

Not anymore. Half the electorate has rallied behind a leader who thrives on division, stoking fear and intolerance in pursuit of power. This isn’t just political—it’s a choice to abandon equality, empathy, and progress for promises of power and dominance. Instead of the slow, painful march toward a better society, we stand on the brink of unraveling, where gains made over generations risk being lost, and where unity and compassion are buried beneath selfish, divisive demands.

The dream that America might one day become its best self feels like it’s flatlining, lost to a brutal, careless undoing of that dream. What remains is a hollowed-out country, a nation tearing itself apart, clinging to greed, fear, and hatred as its guiding lights. And that makes me absolutely fucking furious. I don’t want your words of support, of cheer, of positive thinking, of jokes. I absolutely want those cretins to burn to ash.

But otherwise, I’m doing great. How about you?

Ah, crashing your bike. How humbling. How thrilling! Oh gods why does it hurt so much?

As I lay on the ground, trying to recall the 1.2 seconds of absolute shit that just happened, a couple of thoughts came to mind. First, am I broken, and how much? Second, what in all the levels of “what the fuck” just happened?

Pardon my French—I don’t speak it, and Latin’s a poor substitute. Onwards! These are serious matters!

My exceptionally muscular left buttock (photos not forthcoming, sorry) was in serious pain. My first thought was that I had possibly broken my hip. A bit earlier in life than expected, but I’ve always been a high achiever when it comes to injuries. My left arm was quite bruised and scraped up and the sharp grass that I had bounced into had caused some lovely lacerations. My head was desperately searching for a nearby church bell, because something was definitely ringing loud and clear.

Overall everything seemed intact but I was definitely going to need a steady stream of analgesics for the next few days. Near as I can figure, when I took a sharp turn around a concrete barrier at 18 mph, my wheel hit a dip in the dirt, and my left hand decided it had better places to be than the handlebar. I went flying, flipped onto my left side with the bike still attached to my feet, and bounced 10 feet through the grass. I would have loved to have seen video of this; I bet it looked terrible.

My bike lay in the grass nearby, calmly waiting for the ride to continue as if nothing was amiss. It even landed drivetrain side up. Blessed be.

Since Tina was out of town and I figured all my bones and ligaments were intact, I made my way home with just a smidgen of blood oozing down my arm and only a few grimaces.

48 hours later and I am still a bit annoyed that I am not yet completely healed. My left side, which took the brunt of the crash, is still badly bruised. Stairs and walks longer than half a mile remain deeply unpleasant. 0 stars—would not recommend.

I should have done this weeks ago when everything first started, but I’ve been busy trying to adjust to being a student again and cramming as much knowledge as I can into my middle-aged brain.

So, yes, I went back to school! Why? Well, why not? My last contract role turned into a frustrating situation, and after four months of job hunting with no luck, I just threw in the towel. Interviewing in tech these days can be a demoralizing experience—often ending in ghosting or rejection without any real explanation. After a while, it felt like I was wasting my time and energy.

And honestly, I love feeling smart and learning complex topics. Learning and breaking out of ruts tends to get harder as you age, and I feel I only have a few more real attempts at shifting who I am and what I do with my life. Carpe diem or some such.

After researching different options, I landed on an online Intro to Neuroscience course at UPenn, which could lead to a certificate if I complete 3–5 more courses. Then, thanks to some eye-catching ads, I also explored Harvard Medical School’s HMX program, which offers a range of medical science courses. To brush up on knowledge I hadn’t touched since pre-med 13 years ago, I enrolled in Biochemistry, Immunology, and Physiology.

It’s been challenging. My brain feels properly stretched. The Neuroscience, in particular, has been fascinating—there’s been an explosion of new discoveries in the past two decades, and it’s incredible how much more we understand now.

Where is all this heading? Honestly, I don’t know. Financially, quitting your job to go back to school just for the sake of learning isn’t the smartest move. But I’ve given myself two months to set aside those concerns and simply enjoy the process.

That was a very warm, very dry, very fatiguing race. As an individual who has ancestry from Northern Europe, who can grow a beard in a week, and am continually told by his partner that he is “radiating heat”…I found the conditions absolutely LOVELY. /s

There is also a power-to-weight calculation that I love thinking about during races like this. As a rule of thumb, “climbers” tend to have 2 lbs of body weight per inch of height. I am 73 inches tall. That means a climbing weight of around 146 lbs. Dear readers, I weighed myself last Thursday at 187 lbs. ::cough:: Damn those Kodiak Brownie Cups. Perhaps I love them too much!

All that being said, I did rather well for being an athlete who prefers cooler temps and excels more on the flats. Once the overall podium was done, I got third in my age group. What kills me a bit is that I missed first in my age group by a mere 20 seconds. For a race that took 3h 20m, that is an incredibly short duration. And that rider passed me on the last climb.

Is that margin just a bit better training? Being closer to 175 lbs? Improving my technique? Better pacing? Better hydration or fueling before or during the race? A lighter bike setup? Not dropping my chain when I avoided a crash at 45mph? Hm. HMMMM!

This morning while perusing Strava, I re-discovered that I am 84 out of 25,938 riders on the Sa Calobra descent this year. That’s pretty darn good for an amateur. I am almost impressed by my results. Almost. I desperately want to be even better at cycling but also know how much more time and effort that will require, at the sacrifice of other interests.

Anyhoo. Fun but brutal race this year. Set many PRs. No idea what I am doing next. No other races or trips planned.

Tires. Tires tires tires. Tires!! Some thoughts about tire selection, specifically when it comes to NedGravel.

This was my very first take. While it is far from perfect and I wanted to clarify or reword a few things, I tried ten more times to get a better video but there is just too much noise around my house today.

Unbound XL 2024 summary video! Spoilers: I’m a 45 year old male who hurt his ickle back at sunrise going over a small rock ledge.

Looking for sponsors for my next failure! Low cost! Much humor! Numerous amazing shots of my buttocks thanks to @tina_explores!

Early evening riding at Marshall Mesa to test out a possible tire choice for Unbound XL before we rode into the night on the gravel roads to test our light setups.

Ah, what to say about CO2UT 2024?

First, the 125 mile course is still exceptionally hard and even with less sand and less bumps this year, I felt quite beat up by the time I reached the pavement.

Second, I really am pleased with a top 20 finish. The week preceding the race I failed my Tuesday intervals workout and completely skipped my Wednesday workout in lieu of a nap. The sinus infection and cold I got two days after returning from Mallorca completely exhausted my system, and I was pretty close to telling Tina to travel to Fruita without me. It was only on Thursday that I started having energy again and even Friday’s pre-race ride did not feel amazing.

But, I resisted the urge to switch distances and still lined up at 7am with Tina and all the others. I burned through quite a few matches in that first hour as I caught and lost the lead group while navigating around other riders. And because of my sickness, my matchbook was still very tiny. I lost the lead group, dropped a chain, had my shifting go to absolute shit, fixed my shifting, and then spent 3.5 hours riding solo.

By the mid-point, my system was pretty cracked. A headwind on the way back to Fruita just wore me down until two chaps finally caught me. Thankfully I latched on and was able to recover enough to do a nice paceline with them.

Eventually I lost them when I stopped at the last aid station to lubricate my chain, which was sounding like death. The last 25 miles felt like a death march as I limped the remaining way back to the finish. Tina, who I had not seen since mile 8, finished 30 seconds behind me with our friend Eric Jones.

But 19th Overall is not too shabby considering how I felt just three days earlier. And Tina got 2nd Place for women. Not too bad at all. Guess all that training is paying off. @desertgravel #co2ut

Many of the coaches arrived early and shared an AirBnB in Llubi so they could plan the camp, evaluate courses, and bond over good riding and food. I tagged along and tried to stay mostly out of the way.

Wandering around the island doing 45-90 miles a day and oodles of climbing with a lunch stop at a cafe nearly every day. It really is as great as they say. I would wish for a bit less traffic but once a place becomes “known” the people will come.

Old Man Winter Rally 2024. It may be a hard thing to believe, given how challenging the conditions actually were, but I actually expected it to be worse. As more and more wet, heavy snow fell on Saturday, I went from thinking cyclocross tires would be the right choice to thinking mountain bike tires were a reasonable option. I compromised and went with 45mm Maxxis Ramblers trying to split the difference between my optimism and pessimism.

But the roads were mostly snow free. I am kicking myself for not purchasing tires specifically for wet/muddy conditions. Would have been a faster choice overall. Oh well.

I think the two words that best describe the race was cold and blinding. We left Lyons in the sun but almost immediately the sun went away and a freezing cold fog descended. I dressed for conditions 20F warmer and was chilled during the neutral. And then we hit the gravel with the pace car still in front of us and my entire face was immediately sprayed with mud. My sunglasses got covered and I was peeking through little mudless gaps.

I lost the lead group by the second paved section. Got caught beyond a couple riders, could not find a way through, burned through matches trying to catch up, and then decided to settle down as surely I would catch people through consistent, safe racing rather than crashing by being reckless.

This is not the hardest race I have ever done, but it is probably the race where I thought about quitting the most. Descending in snow, ice, and mud while virtually blind. Freezing, muddy water spraying my entire body and causing my legs to go numb. Mud being sprayed into my mouth, water bottles virtually undrinkable. And then the normal pains and challenges of hard racing.

That being said, I wish I could try again. I’d wear warmer clothes, I’d use the right tires, I’d use a backpack instead of bottles, I’d have brought a second pair of glasses, and I’d have not made a tactical error that caused me to drop a wheel on the way back to Lyons that probably cost me 5 places.

Please enjoy the photos thanks to @ripanddrift and @tina_explores. The video is me on the podium thanks to Team François winning the Team Relay.