Old Snowy — Moody Weather Edition

• I am not so good with sitting still and relaxing.
• Hot afternoons do not agree with my constitution.
• Despite my easily attained swarthy summer complexion, it is possible for me to receive too much sun.
• Relatedly, the summer sun is a demon.
• Having a bed to sleep on in a dark room every so often is very nice.
• Two years after the PCT, I still cannot force myself to cook couscous while camping.
• The internet misses me, I know it. I miss it too.
• Water melted from snow from atop a volcano has a weird taste.
• City people are easily impressed by outdoorsy people.
• I am missing summer dress season.
• Portland in July is rather pleasant at 7am on a Sunday.
• I am wandering. Still trying to figure out if I am lost.

Today I leave for the summer. I am unemployed. I am homeless. And, I have no idea where I will eventually end up.

Part of me is trying to work itself up and feel at least a little excitement or perhaps panic. It does not seem to be coming though. I suspect if I had not spent five months hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, it would be significantly easier to be concerned about this new, uncertain path I am taking. But I have stepped into this sort of unknown before. Multiple times. Everything always seems to work itself out. I trust myself to find a solution to whatever problems or cockamamie situations I put myself into. There is a deep-rooted satisfaction in being confident enough in your will and wit to simply break ranks, bail on the comfortable, and be a little foolhardy.

Most everyone has been supportive of me once again quitting my job and running off (except my recent work mates, which is expected given the culture there). I should not be particularly surprised by their support and well wishes, yet I still am. There is definitely a disconnect between how I see myself and how others see me that I am frequently trying to reconcile.

Reviewing my behavior and ascribing those characteristics to a fictional third person is helpful in glimpsing how others see me. What if I knew a friend who was quitting a very well-paying job for a third time and aiming to be an adventure bum for a summer. Who eschews adult behaviors like buying a home, having a career, and putting down roots. Who has whittled down his possessions to a single car load. Who rarely dates and cannot think of a single real world example of a relationship that would even work with his personality. And then every chance he gets is trying to convince others that they too can break the chains of modern American life and work to live a better, more interesting life, if they just have the courage.

I would expect that guy to run off and be perfectly ok. Seems worth knowing too. On the inside though, I am always questioning these little odysseys of mine. Why can I not find a job/relationship/life that makes me want to settle down and relax a bit? Is this mad itch in my brain ever going to lessen? How can someone with this much intelligence and promise keep on tossing away opportunities to build a stable life?

So incredibly serious. So incredibly non-adult. No sane person leaves a job as CTO to live out of his car. No sane person sits in a chair for 50+ hours a week when there is an amazing world out there to explore. Conflict. Opposing thoughts. Etc.

I know why I do it, why I run off. I really do. There is so much to see and do! The adult life I see most others living is not enough. How can you be satisfied with that status quo? It's so...simple and routine. Where is the challenge? Where are the experiences that you will look back upon and grin like a mad idiot?

And that is who I am. I want a life where my blood is pumping and not just circulating. Where stories and memories worthy of song and campfires happen regularly. If that means I have to cut strings occasionally and let go of stability, so be it. I am still conflicted about it though. I still wonder if I might find a bit of peace from this mad, mad itch.

I am not one to raise my voice in times of intense pressure. Neither do I ignore responsibilities or easily lose my ability to focus. I am gifted with the ability to push myself to an exceptional degree in order to accomplish my goals. You know the mantras:

Sleep? Plenty of time to sleep when you die.

Not possible? We'll find a way.

It is a rare moment when I look at a situation and declare it hopeless. Giving up is not what I do.

However, as much as I love the idea of doom, I want challenges not inevitable failures. Eventually you have to realistically look at a situation and decide if it is worth it. And for my current employment, it finally reached the point where I was Done, capital D. There was nothing left for me to do. The situation had gotten so stressful, so exhausting, so frustratingly out of my control that my mind decreed all work would cease immediately.

That is more or less how it happened from my point of view. After months and months of 50+ hour work weeks, having other individuals circumvent both the product development process and my authority repeatedly, and the extra pressure of training two new employees...a proverbial straw was placed upon my back and my mind broke. It refused to do anything further. No amount of rest, caffeine, or convincing could get it to even look at my computer screen a moment longer. I turned in my resignation 24 hours later.

Not sure if it was wise but it definitely felt necessary. Five days later and I still feel it was the right decision. Neither the compensation nor the achievement of a release was worth the strain put on both my physical and mental health. That two week long headache is finally gone and sleep is much easier to attain now.

While I am slightly perturbed that I let the company down, it is nothing compared to how furious that proverbial straw made me after the extraordinary lengths I was going to for my job. Any time I reach that level of an emotional reaction, I know it is time to take a step back and reevaluate what is going on.

So. Here we are. Unemployed and with an entire summer before me.

At least once a week I suffer through what I like to call Someone is Wrong on the Internet! syndrome. I will see what is obviously meant to be an offhand comment about an article on either Facebook or Twitter, and immediately think to myself "Really? That can't be right..." What follows is the proverbial rabbit hole of exploration into a topic. Thanks to Google, Wikipedia, and literally a million data sources, you can investigate an issue to your heart's content. Often losing hours of a night or day trying to figure out the real nuances of an issue so you can truly understand it.

Just the other day, a friend posted a link to a Treehugger article concerning the water footprint for various food stuffs; everything from lettuce to beef to tea and coffee. The Facebook comment about the article suggested that if we were truly serious about addressing the water crisis in California we would examine our food consumption and she pointed at meat specifically. The first thought that flew into my head was that not all foods were equal in caloric density. I think any middle school student worth their salt, if you will excuse the expression, would say unequivocally that lettuce provides fewer calories than meat. Thus, water requirements are only the tip of the iceberg [lettuce] when it comes to scrutinizing the appropriateness of our diets in a drought.

Part of me is strictly opposed to relying on simple us vs. them points of view when expressing a voice in changing policy or personal attitudes. Nearly every important issue is nuanced enough that a single article or chart cannot help shape an effective strategy.

For example, looking at calories per gallon for various food items like beef and apples gives you another dimension to the water footprints but that means nothing if you do not know in what quantities those products are grown in California. To do that, you need to have a look at the USDA statistics for each food. Oh, but let's not forget that there are different regions with different drought conditions and times of year for growing. Wait, wait, let's not neglect looking into exports and imports too. Crap, one should compare all of this data for the past few years to get a bit of historical perspective.

I seriously spent two hours investigating this. Learned that two separate experts have calculated that 10-11% of California's agriculture water usage is currently taken up by almonds and that we export a significant quantity of alfalfa from California to other countries so that those countries can feed it to animals for milk and meat. Also, rediscovered how incredibly difficult it is to find, access, and evaluate data on government websites.

In the end, I am reasonably sure a panel of experts would need to do research for weeks before coming up with a real, data-supported strategy for reducing water consumption in California based on changes in the diet of American consumers. Further, I doubt more than a few percentage of Americans would make any changes based on those recommendations. Consumers tend to only change based on emotional and financial pressures. Sort of frustrating, but there it is. Regulations and market forces really seem to be the only full solution. Naturally, government will not move quick enough and the market will resist any changes that cut into profits.

Still. In case you are interested: going vegetarian, eating local, and creating a personal garden would not be a bad idea.

Update:

7 Things to Know About California's Drought - Grist.org

And then you randomly discover an email that you thought you had long ago deleted. Ah yes, there, there was the girl who made you think that maybe falling in love was too dangerous. Even for you.

Not sure whether it is the season (In the Spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to...job hunting?) but there seems to be no shortage of people currently seeking a change in employment. Numerous thru-hikers on Facebook are on their way to, or seriously contemplating, their next hike or adventure. Three friends in technology have expressed frustration with their current work and have started polishing their resume for entrance into the market. And a certain redheaded baker up North is on the phone with me once a week wondering how long she will last. I myself probably consider my employment at least once a day. I am a contemplative sort so that should not be overly surprising.

While talking to one of those potential seekers today, I wondered if one can rightly compare employment to a relationship. Here you spend 40+ hours a week in the company of your job. People move across states, countries, and continents for their work. It provides some manner of fulfillment via monetary, emotional, or egotistical means. And it greatly influences nearly every major decision you will make.

Now, if you were to say to me that you are in a romantic relationship that is merely "ok" or "not that great" or "stresses me out", my advice would be to leave and find a new one. Your time and life are valuable–nay, precious. Why spend a fourth of your life in a situation that you could potentially change for the better?

Yes, yes, we do not live in a post-scarcity utopia where are ability to flutter between jobs is without restraint. But, most of us have quite a bit of power and opportunity here, if we choose to use it. One of my favorite quotes in this area comes from the late Steve Jobs:

I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

That is phenomenally good advice.

Through the usual social media channels, I found a handy little guide written by an AT thru-hiker called Mariposa that helps people decide on whether they should carry a hammock, tent, or tarp on their hike. During lunch I cruised a few of her other entries and the end of this one on how the trail transformed her stuck with me.

Escape from materialism was a main reason I set out on the AT in the first place. I had found myself caring too much about stuff, and wanting things I couldn't afford. I strove to live simply, to better appreciate the things I have, and that's exactly what happened. Once I had to carry everything on my back, I stopped wanting extraneous belongings. I definitely didn't travel ultra-light (I ended up carrying things like a tambourine just for fun), but the desire for more clothes, more jewelry, better technology, a nicer car–that desire left me.

Lately, I have been getting the urge to be a bit more materialistic and been considering making a few large purchases. With my student loan payments gone and a raise this month, I have more funds available for purchases. Conviently, a number of things in my life are becoming a bit long in the tooth or will soon be at the end of their life. For example, my car is from the last century and while I did have maintenance done on it last year to insure it would keep going for another couple years, enough damage and problems have developed that it would cost more to fix it all than the car is really worth. Further, it sure would be nice to have a newer car with better gas mileage and improved AWD that just so happened to have everything functioning correctly.

My bike is also over seven years old and last summer I had to replace half of its components and both wheels after my accident. It is functional but it is meant for cyclocross and is not the most ideal for all the long distance road biking I do. Again, it would be nice to purchase a new, shiny road bike and then be able to dedicate the older one solely to commuting.

Of course, there are other things. Skydiving lessons so I can get my solo license. A sea kayak and coastal navigation lessons. Formal wear clothes for work events. A bit of land and a cabin in the woods. And–I cannot believe I am saying this–perhaps an actual bed and mattress set for sleeping. Luxury!

A voice in my head is telling me this is all very greedy. I should keep on saving my money for bigger adventures in the years ahead. Live lightly. Do not spend money. You can live without. Just as the trail transformed me into someone who could live even lighter, so has civilization started changing me back to someone who wants more.

I didn't want to be a CTO. I wanted to be...a developer! Leaping from repo to repo as they are forked from among the mighty projects of GitHub! With my best Mac by my side!

The Laravel! The jQuery! The Homebrew Package Manager! The Grunt JS! The Symfony Components! We'd code! Code! Code!!

Oh, I'm a developer, and I'm okay, I sleep all day and I work all night. I hunt down bugs, I eat my lunch, I go to the Facebook feed. On weekdays I am nappin' and have peanut butter cups with tea.