Today I leave for the summer. I am unemployed. I am homeless. And, I have no idea where I will eventually end up.

Part of me is trying to work itself up and feel at least a little excitement or perhaps panic. It does not seem to be coming though. I suspect if I had not spent five months hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, it would be significantly easier to be concerned about this new, uncertain path I am taking. But I have stepped into this sort of unknown before. Multiple times. Everything always seems to work itself out. I trust myself to find a solution to whatever problems or cockamamie situations I put myself into. There is a deep-rooted satisfaction in being confident enough in your will and wit to simply break ranks, bail on the comfortable, and be a little foolhardy.

Most everyone has been supportive of me once again quitting my job and running off (except my recent work mates, which is expected given the culture there). I should not be particularly surprised by their support and well wishes, yet I still am. There is definitely a disconnect between how I see myself and how others see me that I am frequently trying to reconcile.

Reviewing my behavior and ascribing those characteristics to a fictional third person is helpful in glimpsing how others see me. What if I knew a friend who was quitting a very well-paying job for a third time and aiming to be an adventure bum for a summer. Who eschews adult behaviors like buying a home, having a career, and putting down roots. Who has whittled down his possessions to a single car load. Who rarely dates and cannot think of a single real world example of a relationship that would even work with his personality. And then every chance he gets is trying to convince others that they too can break the chains of modern American life and work to live a better, more interesting life, if they just have the courage.

I would expect that guy to run off and be perfectly ok. Seems worth knowing too. On the inside though, I am always questioning these little odysseys of mine. Why can I not find a job/relationship/life that makes me want to settle down and relax a bit? Is this mad itch in my brain ever going to lessen? How can someone with this much intelligence and promise keep on tossing away opportunities to build a stable life?

So incredibly serious. So incredibly non-adult. No sane person leaves a job as CTO to live out of his car. No sane person sits in a chair for 50+ hours a week when there is an amazing world out there to explore. Conflict. Opposing thoughts. Etc.

I know why I do it, why I run off. I really do. There is so much to see and do! The adult life I see most others living is not enough. How can you be satisfied with that status quo? It's so...simple and routine. Where is the challenge? Where are the experiences that you will look back upon and grin like a mad idiot?

And that is who I am. I want a life where my blood is pumping and not just circulating. Where stories and memories worthy of song and campfires happen regularly. If that means I have to cut strings occasionally and let go of stability, so be it. I am still conflicted about it though. I still wonder if I might find a bit of peace from this mad, mad itch.