When you did not sleep well, still have a busted toe, the skies are grey and the temps are cool, and yet there is 5 hours of riding on the training plan for the day. Time to pull out the pre-ride music and dancing to find the energy to get out.

When you had 9 hours of biking planned for this weekend (not including prep or cleanup) and then you slammed your little toe into a box full of books Friday night causing quite a bit of cursing. It is slowly recovering but even with pain relievers it does not want to be in a shoe, especially a bike shoe. So. I’m essentially stuck at home with my foot elevated trying to entertain myself with books, shows, and little projects. I am so incredibly bad at sitting still.

Spent the better part of today doing some budgeting for various scenarios for 2025, including a potentially epic adventure in 2026. And? Well. My coffee shop habit is practically nothing compared to my food and bike expenses. Also. I made a tragic mistake not being born rich. #paulthoughts

Today on #paulthoughts. Zombie-ant fungus and all it suggests about possible parasitical control. Sleep well.

One of the holiday cards I created and sent way back in 2017. Thinking of buying in bulk in preparation for the next 4 years.

My alliterative autumnal adventure into academics has alas and assuredly adjourned.

Things concluded satisfactorily with a 94% in Biochemistry, 96% in Physiology, 97% in Intro to Neuroscience, and a lovely 100% in Immunology. And far more importantly, I learned a satisfying amount of science and medicine in these past 12 weeks.

Unfortunately, the time has come for a reckoning concerning my future. What is next? Or perhaps more clearly, what SHOULD be next, given the state of the United States but also my dwindling savings?

And. Ugh. I still do not know. Ever since the election, I have been battling a crippling case of “What is even the point?” which has not been good for motivation. And this past week severely drained my energy with 3 exams, a double colonoscopy for Tina, and an annoying cold. I am slowly bouncing back but it has been exhausting just getting back to a baseline of semi-functional.

I feel stuck. Education is exceptionally expensive and medical residency with 80 hour weeks sounds like a horror show. Of the 12 jobs I have applied for in the past month, I have gotten zero responses. While I find neuroscience fascinating, I am not sure I am cut out for PhD research. And, I expect Trump Presidency 2.0 to fuck over America and its economy for a generation.

Come on, Universe, send me a sign! Where should I go, what should I do?!

::crickets::

The lack of dramatic revelations and easy answers in my life continues to perplex its narrator. Tune in next time as I put a dozen options in a hat and just pick one. Medical school in Ireland? Endless biking vacations until the money runs out? A life of villainy in pursuit of justice? Who knows!

Tune in next week! Same Paul Time, Same Paul Channel.

Numb rage. That’s where I am at. Squeezing that rage so tightly that you dare not unclench because you’ll completely lose your shit. Knowing that your rage about the condition of your country continues to grow every single year. Wondering if there is an option to build a two car garage in your soul as you are soon going to need the extra space for your RAGE.

There are so many things wrong with this country that it defies belief. Climate emergency. Gun violence. Income inequality. Housing crisis. Health crisis. Infrastructure failing. Education gap. Mass incarceration crisis. Mental health crisis. Opioid epidemic. Personal and federal debt crisis. Racism. Misogyny. Police brutality. Gods above and below, it just goes ON and ON.

Yet we are nation of wealth and technological marvels. Movies. Music. Innovation. Culture. And a melting pot that for all its clashes, still manages to bring together people from every corner of the world. Finally, it gave people hope that things would slowly, painfully, stutteringly get better.

Not anymore. Half the electorate has rallied behind a leader who thrives on division, stoking fear and intolerance in pursuit of power. This isn’t just political—it’s a choice to abandon equality, empathy, and progress for promises of power and dominance. Instead of the slow, painful march toward a better society, we stand on the brink of unraveling, where gains made over generations risk being lost, and where unity and compassion are buried beneath selfish, divisive demands.

The dream that America might one day become its best self feels like it’s flatlining, lost to a brutal, careless undoing of that dream. What remains is a hollowed-out country, a nation tearing itself apart, clinging to greed, fear, and hatred as its guiding lights. And that makes me absolutely fucking furious. I don’t want your words of support, of cheer, of positive thinking, of jokes. I absolutely want those cretins to burn to ash.

But otherwise, I’m doing great. How about you?

Ah, crashing your bike. How humbling. How thrilling! Oh gods why does it hurt so much?

As I lay on the ground, trying to recall the 1.2 seconds of absolute shit that just happened, a couple of thoughts came to mind. First, am I broken, and how much? Second, what in all the levels of “what the fuck” just happened?

Pardon my French—I don’t speak it, and Latin’s a poor substitute. Onwards! These are serious matters!

My exceptionally muscular left buttock (photos not forthcoming, sorry) was in serious pain. My first thought was that I had possibly broken my hip. A bit earlier in life than expected, but I’ve always been a high achiever when it comes to injuries. My left arm was quite bruised and scraped up and the sharp grass that I had bounced into had caused some lovely lacerations. My head was desperately searching for a nearby church bell, because something was definitely ringing loud and clear.

Overall everything seemed intact but I was definitely going to need a steady stream of analgesics for the next few days. Near as I can figure, when I took a sharp turn around a concrete barrier at 18 mph, my wheel hit a dip in the dirt, and my left hand decided it had better places to be than the handlebar. I went flying, flipped onto my left side with the bike still attached to my feet, and bounced 10 feet through the grass. I would have loved to have seen video of this; I bet it looked terrible.

My bike lay in the grass nearby, calming waiting for the ride to continue as if nothing was amiss. It even landed drivetrain side up. Blessed be.

Since Tina was out of town and I figured all my bones and ligaments were intact, I made my way home with just a smidgen of blood oozing down my arm and only a few grimaces.

48 hours later and I am still a bit annoyed that I am not yet completely healed. My left side, which took the brunt of the crash, is still badly bruised. Stairs and walks longer than half a mile remain deeply unpleasant. 0 stars—would not recommend.

I should have done this weeks ago when everything first started, but I’ve been busy trying to adjust to being a student again and cramming as much knowledge as I can into my middle-aged brain.

So, yes, I went back to school! Why? Well, why not? My last contract role turned into a frustrating situation, and after four months of job hunting with no luck, I just threw in the towel. Interviewing in tech these days can be a demoralizing experience—often ending in ghosting or rejection without any real explanation. After a while, it felt like I was wasting my time and energy.

And honestly, I love feeling smart and learning complex topics. Learning and breaking out of ruts tends to get harder as you age, and I feel I only have a few more real attempts at shifting who I am and what I do with my life. Carpe diem or some such.

After researching different options, I landed on an online Intro to Neuroscience course at UPenn, which could lead to a certificate if I complete 3–5 more courses. Then, thanks to some eye-catching ads, I also explored Harvard Medical School’s HMX program, which offers a range of medical science courses. To brush up on knowledge I hadn’t touched since pre-med 13 years ago, I enrolled in Biochemistry, Immunology, and Physiology.

It’s been challenging. My brain feels properly stretched. The Neuroscience, in particular, has been fascinating—there’s been an explosion of new discoveries in the past two decades, and it’s incredible how much more we understand now.

Where is all this heading? Honestly, I don’t know. Financially, quitting your job to go back to school just for the sake of learning isn’t the smartest move. But I’ve given myself two months to set aside those concerns and simply enjoy the process.

That was a very warm, very dry, very fatiguing race. As an individual who has ancestry from Northern Europe, who can grow a beard in a week, and am continually told by his partner that he is “radiating heat”…I found the conditions absolutely LOVELY. /s

There is also a power-to-weight calculation that I love thinking about during races like this. As a rule of thumb, “climbers” tend to have 2 lbs of body weight per inch of height. I am 73 inches tall. That means a climbing weight of around 146 lbs. Dear readers, I weighed myself last Thursday at 187 lbs. ::cough:: Damn those Kodiak Brownie Cups. Perhaps I love them too much!

All that being said, I did rather well for being an athlete who prefers cooler temps and excels more on the flats. Once the overall podium was done, I got third in my age group. What kills me a bit is that I missed first in my age group by a mere 20 seconds. For a race that took 3h 20m, that is an incredibly short duration. And that rider passed me on the last climb.

Is that margin just a bit better training? Being closer to 175 lbs? Improving my technique? Better pacing? Better hydration or fueling before or during the race? A lighter bike setup? Not dropping my chain when I avoided a crash at 45mph? Hm. HMMMM!

This morning while perusing Strava, I re-discovered that I am 84 out of 25,938 riders on the Sa Calobra descent this year. That’s pretty darn good for an amateur. I am almost impressed by my results. Almost. I desperately want to be even better at cycling but also know how much more time and effort that will require, at the sacrifice of other interests.

Anyhoo. Fun but brutal race this year. Set many PRs. No idea what I am doing next. No other races or trips planned.