– the blog –

Bring Coffee

I am having one of those days where I am feeling a bit slow and lazy, where one feels like they are not accomplishing anything or achieving things fast enough.

Sure, sure. I donated a pint of blood today, and I also just came off two hours of bouldering yesterday, 30 miles of biking up into the West Hills on Monday, crevasse training for eight hours on Sunday, and 14 downhill ski runs before lunch on Saturday–so, a rest day was definitely planned.

Still, that bouldering session did not feel particularly productive as my two v5 projects continue to stonewall me. The bike ride's climb up Newberry felt particularly hard, especially for a climb that a couple years ago I did repeats on after doing laps around Sauvie Island. And, I still get jelly legs significantly faster than Tina when skiing and my turns on double blacks are just barely above middling.

Further, while work is going well, it recently took me an extra few days to finish a large task, which felt like a tiresome delay, and–let's be honest–it's not like I am building or maintaining a framework or CMS for thousands of developers. I'm a contractor working on someone else's software.

It is also Spring and April 23rd was my trailversary. Five years ago I started the Pacific Crest Trail and was burdened with glorious purpose; to spend five months walking 2600 miles across three states with everything on my back. My current day to day grind of work with short forays into the out of doors, whenever I can schedule them, does not really compare. There are paltry few accolades for being domesticated.

That dirtbag, low stability life does get old. And it is definitely not the best for long term plans. You want a nice home to come back to? You need to work hard, save up for it, and then pay it off. Even if it is not the glamorous outdoor life you see on Instagram, that does require steady employment and financial discipline.

And yet. And yet. I still want to say "fuck it" and run off. Sure, why not go spend an entire summer playing again? You Only Live Once! Think how much fun you will have! Climbing! Backpacking! Biking! YESSSSSS!! Dirt in your nails, blisters on your feet, sore muscles, and the utter bliss of a shower after a hard struggle! That is what life should be! That's Living!

And them come back just as broke as you were last time. With no home, no savings, and back to those daily life annoyances that make you grumble.

Good lord. I feel like I am in a feast and famine cycle.

(and now the author will go drown his sorrows in fresh, warm berry crumble...because he's fat too...)