For a few years now, I have been following a path of very structured training, and it is only after fully abandoning it in April that I realized how little it served me. Not in the sense that it did not produce results, but more that my personality does not like my athletic pursuits to be treated as “work” and a second job.

I have seen too many people on this path, and while it may have made them stronger, faster athletes, I think it also had the consequence of making them… less. Less fun, less well-rounded, and so focused on results that they lost why they enjoyed being athletic and outside in the first place. Because, honestly, if you are only thinking about workout times, power numbers and zones, and recording every single meal and snack… that is not fun; that is obsession.

So, I spent the second half of 2025 switching back to finding the joy and fun of just being strong and athletic. I have not done a single structured workout since March. I have still been methodical and mindful about how I am exercising, but it is far more flexible and enjoyable than what I was doing previously. Also. Not a single moment on a trainer inside. I cannot express how much I did not enjoy spending 3–5 hours on the trainer last winter most days.

And my FTP has gone up over 20 watts in the past 8 months. I feel stronger. Hills that felt hard last year barely seem to register now. And I still have a deep well of endurance and resiliency. All of this while taking up swimming and running again and working a full-time job.

Here are 2025’s overall stats:

• 9,653.7 mi
• 513,837 ft
• 570.5 hours => 23.8 days
• Lowest amounts since 2021
• Biked around Olympic Peninsula in 2 days (341 miles)
• Attempted The Kraken, which is essentially the Boulder Octopus with the addition of Ward and SuperJames. 18K of elevation. Alas, just as I was starting Lee Hill, the skies opened up with freezing rain and I had to bail. Next time.
• Gravel bike: New rear derailleur, rebuilt wheel, lots of brake pads; still the same chain and chainring!

• Last run: December 10th 2019
• Started with 2-3 mile walks and worked up
• First run outside: June 14th
• Now up to 6.5 miles at 12 min pace
• 93.2 miles total

• Mostly used for recovery, but also was part of my mental therapy this year.
• 265 miles, 81 hours

• Last swim: July 10, 2019
• Up to about 1.2 miles
• 124,172 yd => 70.6 miles

• 760 hours => 31.7 days (!!)
• Estimated 528,796 Calories burned, 454,500 from cycling alone

2025. What a horrifically bad year, all things considered. But. I am currently in my favorite café, drinking a cortado, after four days of delightful bike riding, with a home, and finally money back in my savings account. Significant problems remain, to be sure. Still, over the past few weeks, I have finally felt the iron grip of tension around my body begin to loosen. Yesterday, for the first time in nine months, I felt a genuine sense of humor return.

Nearly every night I take a walk, and I have been considering this a great deal over the past couple of weeks: this is the kind of year when people show themselves for who they really are. Who and what they value. What they will show up for and stand up for. Will they have a voice and use it, or will they remain silent and hide, living their life as if things are not what they are. In years like this, refusing to act is itself an act.

And actions matter. Words are hollow without follow-through. Thoughts and prayers amount to very little unless they lead to action. Remember that when looking at your Representatives, friends, and family in the new year. Hold people accountable to their actions. Remember who spoke up when it mattered. Remember who did not. Notice who shows up when it costs them something. Notice who disappears. Deeds do not lie. The measure of a person is not how they show up during the good times, but how they show up during the bad times.

Those who do not? Kick them out. They are weak tea. You deserve coffee. You deserve people who rev your engine, help you drop your shit, and get you going in the morning. You do not deserve people who will abandon you when you need them most.

I wish most of you well. But my wishes matter little. Probably the hardest lesson of this year that I learned—or actually relearned—is you cannot rely on anyone else to fix or change your life. Carpe diem, my little toe beans.

Stormlight Archive [books 1-4] by Brandon Sanderson

Brandon Sanderson is a solid writer. He knows how to create an entire world, complete with ecosystem and history, extremely well. Not only that, but he creates characters that most of us can identify with, even if they are princes or warriors with supernatural powers. And the man can produce content like no one's business. One wonders how he is producing so many novels and novellas while still doing events and engaging with the public. Once I returned to Boulder and got my own place, I wanted something that could absorb my attention after work hours to help me escape from my own problems and these really delivered. They are quite hefty though, so it was a bit of hard work to get through them before they were due back at the library.

Dawnshard [novella] by Brandon Sanderson

I swear, I was only at the library to drop off a couple of books but as I perused the new books section (as one does), there was the most recent Stormlight novella simply waiting for me to find. Sure I had two other books in progress, but one does not ignore fate. So, I picked it up. Totally worth it. In fact, by the end, I wanted a typical 1000+ page Sanderson novel in order to give me even more time with this character and her story.

The Slow Regard of Silent Things by Patrick Rothfuss [novella]

Auri is this mysterious waif of a woman that you never know what to make of in The Kingkiller Chronicle novels. You know there is more to her. There are strong hints she has real power and a tragic backstory. Does this novella provide any answers? Nope, not a one. In fact, it adds a few more questions. However, you understand her a bit more. You explore her way of seeing the world a bit more. It's good. It's really good. But, if you have not read Name of the Wind and Wise Man's Fear AND enjoyed them, this is probably not for you.

The Narrow Road Between Desires by Patrick Rothfuss [novella]

I had read "The Lightning Tree" before, but this is a rewritten and expanded version of that story. I rather enjoy how Rothfuss writes Bast and the two other major Fae creatures in his books. Bast is dark, maniupulative, playful, and intriquing in how he sees people (and children). Similar to "The Slow Regard of Silent Things", if you do not enjoy Rothfuss' other works, this is probably not for you. If you do though, this is not to be missed.

Maria: a novel of Maria von Trapp by Michelle Moran

In what feels like a fluke of ignorance, I never realized The Sound of Music was based on a real Austrian family. As someone who is quite fond of the muscial, I enjoyed this dramatic telling of her life. The first half is a bit slow, but it pays off in the second half.

Wednesday, Season 2 [TV show]

This series has no business being this enjoyable. The first season was so much better than my expectations, and this season adds more of what I loved while slowly expanding the boundaries of its story telling. I hope they keep up the magic, as I really have high expectations for season 3, given what I have read online.

Witcher, Season 4 [TV show]

There was a great deal of gnashing of teeth about Henry Cavill being replaced by Liam Hemsworth, especially since Cavill left because of “creative differences” (which seems to be Hollywood speak for “this was shit and I did not want to be there anymore”). That is a fair criticism. Before this show, I had only read one Witcher book, and it did not really seize my imagination until I saw the first season, which I quite enjoyed. By season 3, you really felt the wheels coming off the storyline and the writing, and season 4, sadly, is no different. Every single episode left you wondering why you were supposed to care about half of what was going on, or genuinely confused about character motivations.

I will say this, Liam was an excellent Geralt. If we had never seen Cavill in the role, I bet most everyone would have felt he did the character justice. In some ways, he was a superior Geralt too. While Cavill definitely showed a growling, loner outcast who killed monsters for coin, he was a version of Geralt you never fully accepted as someone who would have friends or relationships. Liam gives us a warrior who you genuinely believe cares about people, and who wants to save those he cares about.

Slow Horses, Season 5 [TV show]

I purchased AppleTV, solely so I could binge this show, as I loved the first four seasons. Another solid season. And season 6 is already scheduled for next year. Love it.

Pluribus [TV show]

I saw the trailer for this series and immediately thought to myself, "Oh, it's Unity from Rick & Morty!" Kind of. The idea is not an uncommon trope in science fiction, but this is a solid spin on the idea. I would advise waiting until episode 3 to pass judgment, as there is a great deal that is being setup in the first two episodes and the main character is initially quite annoying. The season is still ongoing, but if you have AppleTV, I would give it a watch.

Howl's Moving Castle [movie]

Studio Ghibli Fest 2025 brought this movie back to theaters so I caught it on a Tuesday night after work. My best friend and I disagree on the best way to see this film, either with the dubbing or the subtitles. However, I love the voice actiing of Billy Crystal, Christian Bale, and Emily Mortimer in the dubbed version, and it was also the first version I ever saw of the film. This time the theater was only showing the subtitled version, which is equally as good. The music, the art, the story; it is my favorite Miyazaki movie and that is saying something. I was grinning before, during, and after watching this on the big screen.

Back to the Future [movie]

Another movie that was brought back to the big screen this fall. And fuck yeah, it was amazing. I have never saw this on the big screen, as I was too young when it first came out, but this was an absolute treat. And since nearly all the special effects are practical, it holds up exceptionally well. Truly one of the best popcorn films of all time.

Clue [movie]

On a long bike ride, I randomly started thinking about this film and thought October was a perfect time to rewatch it. It was not as good as I remembered it, which saddens me a bit. I remember finding this hilarious when I was younger, but ultimately I was a bit lukewarm on this rewatch. Is it age? No idea.

Jeremiah Johnson [movie]

Robert Redford died and I rewatched my favorite movie of his. This is the film that made me want to be a mountain man. It could almost be a silent picture, as there is so little dialog. Worth watching for anyone who has felt the urge to leave civilization behind and head up into the mountains.

Spy Game [movie]

Another Robert Redford film. Excellent. Solid. Well acted. A spy thriller with humor, charm, and an almost no-nonsense take on the world. Brad Pitt also shines in this.

Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves [movie]

Oh, Costner, you silly man. And is that Morgan Freeman? Look at that devilshly young Christian Slater! This is an early 90s popcorn film with a good amount of heart, a charming cast, and a fun story. Alan Rickman practically kills with every single line. I adore this film. I could rewatch it every year with delight.

AppleTV's Fountain of Youth [movie]

Upon watching the trailer there was some hesistancy about watching this, but I had an AppleTV subscription and nothing really to lose while vegetating one night. Honestly, I enjoyed it way more than I expected. John Krasinski carries the entire film with wit and charm, which is pretty much the reason to watch it. If you do not care about sensical logic in your adventure films (see: National Treasure and The Mummy films), I would recommend it.

It's a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a library card, must be in want of a book. As this particular single man perused the stacks of the downtown Boulder library one fine autumn afternoon, he found his eyes drawn drawn to the title "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies". As he read the back cover, he mused that since he had never found time to read the original Austen novel, perhaps he ought to start with that instead.

As a hopeless romantic with Heathcliffian aspirations, I have watched at least two film versions and one miniseries adaptation of the story; the Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen film being a particular favorite. Who does not daydream of striding across a misty moor first thing in the morning with a dashing long coat and partially open shirt? And being rich enough to afford an estate like Pemberley. Well!

Anyhow. It's a funny thing to admit that this book has lingered on my to do list for nearly thirty years, but here we are. I doubt I would have enjoyed it even half as much as a teenager as I did as an adult. And seeing the adaptations did help bring the words more to life, as the book's humor could be subtler than modern works and much of the drama unfolds via letters in the book, opposed to direct interactions between people, as in the films. Also, Mrs. Bennet was far more tiresome in the book than in the adaptations, but I do appreciate Donald Sutherland's portrayal of Mr. Bennet even more. I also found a deeper appreciation for both Jane and Lydia this time, since I could slow down and reread earlier passages to better understand their stories and personalities.

All said in done, it was an enjoyable read. And I do not think anything was lost by seeing the movie adapatations first. Inn fact, I would almost recommend that approach just to have a better visualization of the scenery and time period.

Scrolling through my Instagram Explore feed this evening, I came across this series of landscape photographs with cloud creatures (spirits?) drawn on top of them by artist Vorja Sánchez.

Each creation starts with a photograph taken during his hikes around northern Spain. He then draws directly over the image, following the natural movement of the clouds until something recognizable takes shape, a serpent, a spirit, or something in between.

The result blurs the line between nature and imagination, as if the sky itself were alive.

The artist has more drawings on their website but the one above is probably my favorite, although "Creative Process" is a close second.

I was all set to post an entry about how I was ready to start dating again. I spent over a week writing it—reviewing photos, emails, texts, and Instagram posts—and reflecting on what I had learned this year and how I would do things differently. And then I overheard two women at a cafe talking about their relationships and one was admitting that she was feeling indifferent to what her man felt and was already looking forward to dating other people.

Maybe I am not ready after all. I have so many books I could read instead. Ah, good, safe, reliable books. They might not love me back, but at least they won’t make me cry—well, except Bridge to Terabithia.

Kudos to Semi-Rad as I am currently enjoying today's moment of awe thanks to ZWO Astronomy Photographer of the Year. Put my favorite up there at the top.

It has been bothering me for months now about how this breakup has wreaked havoc on my emotions. As someone who studied neuroscience for half a year, it is painfully evident now: my brain chemistry changed.

I lived on an island off the coast of Maine for a winter by myself. I once went 5 years without dating. Solitude and having a reliable sense of self were my natural state for quite a long part of my adult life.

And then I got into a strong, healthy, fun, and ludicrously happy relationship for years, and we built a home together. And that is all gone. While she jumped into something new almost immediately, I am still out here in the wilderness, alone, with no way to rebuild yet. And there is a gigantic void in my life where she existed that I can only view with profound sadness and pain. My brain is having an exceptionally hard time adjusting to this new reality.

After driving down to Vancouver, Washington on Friday afternoon, I had planned a ride up Larch Mountain in the Gorge on Saturday morning before the temperature really started rising (forecast was low to mid-90s). This was all part of my plan of making new memories in old PNW favorites to help my post-breakup healing process. While I did not sleep terribly well, I got my spandex-clad bottom to the Women's Forum early that morning and had a reasonably fast ride up. I had done a hard gym workout Friday morning, so my legs were not exactly fresh but I really enjoyed the effort and the forest was delightful. As hoped, the views from the summit of Larch did not disappoint. Mt. Hood, Mt Adams, St. Helens, and even Rainier were all out and looking lovely. Had an enjoyable 15-minute chat with two other cyclists as well as a couple while my sweaty self cooled down. All in all, the day was going great.

But then, oh boy! Just as I really started putting the power down for the descent, I got a sidewall cut on my rear tire about 100m from the parking lot at the top. Sprayed out a huge amount of sealant pretty quickly and two smaller Dynaplugs inserted immediately did not plug it. In my attempt to keep enough air in the tire to put in a large plug, I broke off the valve core head completely (it was on its last legs anyhow). Got a new valve core from the dynamic duo of Aaron and Dan, whom I had met on the summit, but alas a large Dynaplug did not seal the cut either.

Naturally, I did not bring a tube or tire levers on such a short ride (Bad Paul!), so I had to beg a tube from a passing cyclist. I installed it, although the heat did not help; while standing on hot pavement in direct sun, my sweaty hand slipped as I put the wheel back on and I lost a nice chunk of skin when it scraped across the cassette. The broken valve core also seemed to damage my pump’s O-ring, which made getting the tire to full pressure nearly impossible. After forty minutes of fiddling with the bike, I finally started down the mountain, riding as calmly as possible because there was still a sizable slash in the tire wall and the tire pressure remained lower than ideal. Four miles from the car, the new tube punctured —not in the area of the cut, which I had reinforced with stiff paper—and I had to beg yet another tube, plus a pump, from a different passing cyclist. I reached the car more than an hour later than planned. No PR on that descent.

Who knew one needed a second pump, spare valve core, and two tubes for a 28-mile road bike on clean and smooth pavement?

With a strong impulse of Needing To F'ing Go Somewhere after a bit of unpleasant news Sunday night, I almost bought a one-way ticket to Iceland on Monday morning but after a few hours settled for a loop through Oregon with a visit to Sisters, Oregon. Sisters has been on my mind for years as a possible re-location spot as it has excellent skiing in winter, is close to multiple mountains, has gravel and mountain biking, world class rock climbing, and many people would be significantly closer for a visit.

There are many memories of this area that are no longer fondly remembered thanks to the breakup, so I also wanted a chance to make fresh, hopefully fun, memories. This partly happened. I definitely had fun: with friends, while descending McKenzie pass on my bike, and just taking deep breaths and admiring the views. This is a lovely area. I have really good friends. I had great conversations. There was much to discuss and I learned things I never expected. Reconnecting with people was delightful. 5 stars.

And yet, the trip felt like a bit of a bust as nothing in my life became clearer, in fact things got a bit more muddled. While biking up McKenzie Highway twice–the road is still closed to traffic–did remind me of why I love that route, Sisters is not my place.

The traffic in and around town is exceptionally bad: large SUVs, wide pickup trucks with huge mirrors, and RVs that are the length of a semi with a car towed behind them. I started a road ride that was not on McKenzie Pass one morning and turned around. I felt completely vulnerable with a 2 foot shoulder containing debris and cars going past me at 60+mph. This brings it to a clear point: the bike lane actually disappears in the center of town, when it is probably most necessary. And even the nearby gravel roads and more remote paved roads felt busy with traffic.

Maybe it is the knowledge of the multiple bicycle fatalities in Boulder in the last two years, but it always feels like a when and not an if for getting hit. I am a risk taker, but I do not want a guaranteed way to die. That’s dumb. Getting murdered by an idiot driving too fast with their cell phone in their hand is a shit way to die. And the traffic I saw in Sisters was during the middle of the week before summer has even started. Bleargh. No wonder the majority of bikes in the local bike shop were mountain bikes. All of this makes me miss the road and gravel riding in Boulder, honestly.

Also, I still feel weird traveling by myself. My brain continues to expect someone to be there holding my hand and chatting with me about what we’re seeing. I do not enjoy the sense of missing an important part of yourself everywhere you go. No way to solve that but more time, but it does lessen the experience of traveling.

Did find a bookstore that I am mildly in love with. And the Sisters Coffee shop was solid for working two of the mornings, if a bit warm with the heat and no cooling. The people were quite friendly and the local athletic club has a three-lane lap pool that is salt water – dreamy. Did run into two MAGA idiots who were disparaging Portland and how the liberals ruined it. Icky poo-poo heads.

With all the driving, I ended up spending quite a bit of time in my head too…just processing so many thoughts. Many of my one-on-one conversations during this trip were deeply personal. People who are new, people who I have known for decades, old friends found again. And there was much ground covered. The country, parents, relationships, kids, mental health, and how going to the gym is more important than ever.

At the core of my thoughts, I am still wondering: How did I mess up so badly? Did I actually mess up badly? What are the crucial components of not messing up badly? Can one badly mess up messing up badly? Shit. Too meta. Pull back, Paul, pull back!!

Way back in March, when I met Amelia for coffee in Boise on my way to the PNW, I predicted Tina would start dating Lesley in the next couple months—instead it happened immediately after she returned from Mallorca with weekend after weekend of Instagram stories with them having fun together.

I also exclaimed to Amelia during that exchange: “I’m fun! When did I stop being fun?!” which earned me a hearty laugh from her. During this Oregon trip another friend pointed out that she had forgotten how much I just think about everything. Under normal conditions, I have around 4 trains of thoughts puttering around my head with sporadic stops where I consciously realize what my mind is working on. My friend's observation made me realize that, for the past couple years, I had rarely entertained more than a single train of thought—and it usually was a boring monorail always focused on cycling.

That epiphany has stayed with me: I had become boring in Boulder these past couple years. No real adventures, few moments of zany fun, no longer exploring, and a drought of great stories. That’s pretty darn sad.

So. You cannot think yourself out of needing to take time and be patient with the process of healing, but you can try and figure out what your mistakes were and how not to repeat them. Mistakes in relationships (both friend and romantic), mistakes in living, mistakes in goals. Much to think on.